ramblings: 05/01/2004

Thursday, May 13, 2004

Hello everyone. I know I've not been blogging a lot ( not like anyone's noticed ... ) but that's because JC life is crazy. Homework, tests, council elections, ... stress man. Haven't even been able to come online on weekdays.. and today is just an exception. Some very interesting things have happened since I last blogged, but something happened today that I MUST get out of my system, somehow.

Temasek Seminar. It's this thingy where you get to engage in dialogue with ministers and all... with representatives from each college. It's really prestigious. There was a round of interviews and I got through successfully. Then came the additional part about Media representatives. Basically Jean Yeow the teacher in charge was to choose one guy and one girl from the participants to face some questions from the press, get on tv or smth, i dunno.

SO Today my history tutor was absent and Jean Yeow came to relieve our class. She came up to me and told me somehting like 'Gabriel, you're my first choice to be the media representative. But due to the race factor i can't choose you.' I was puzzled for a second, and then asked whether an eurasian girl was chosen to be the other media rep. She said yes, Dell from 1T02. I was a little stunned at first, and could only meekly agree with her.

After a while, thoughts came pouring in.

I don't understand what's wrong with having two Eurasians as media representatives. I don't understand why something that i've waited for, something that was just what i was craving, must be taken away from me? When it was mine to begin with!

Whatever happend to Meritocracy ? A fallacy? Merely a stupid, insignificant chapter in our ss textbook? I'd put my money where my mouth is.

When the O level results came out, I was happy. But after reading the papers the next day, I was kicking myself, and was practically hopping 'round the house. The top Eurasian student got 6 A1s .. Daphne Jansz, i believe. And what made it worse was that my sis knows her. I was so furious myself. One year prior I aimed to be exactly what she was, top eurasian student at the Os. And I knew, and still KNOW that I could have been. I could have gotten 6 A1s. Possibly even 7. If only I worked harder. If only I didn't slack as much. Why did I slack off after the Prelims?

Selfish, egotistical, narcissitic as it seems, I want to see MY name on the papers. I want to frame it up, and let it hang on my bedroom wall, wherever I may live in the future, forever. I blew one chance. I had another taken away from me. Fucking hell, you'd be dead wrong if you think I'll let the next one slip by. And if I can help it, I'll take what's rightfully mine( i hope ) back.

That felt so good. I don't believe I've ever done this on this blog b4, just typing out what I really feel, no holds barred. Maybe I should get a private online diary.. so I can do this ALL the time. I see what you mean now, Yangwei. ;)